to forget the past and just start again is something I wish I could do .. to just get up from the beginning and not feel the feelings that I do now .. just to live my own life for a while .. 

What I've learned from this is that .. Every human being has a choice .. every person has feelings, and you choose how you want to rule over them or how you want the emotions to affect others .. You can keep them contained, and never let anyone in the whole world to know .. or you can express your feelings in your actions, which creates consequences ..
It's a choice you make with yourself ..

You can have a hope for something, you can trust someone the most, and a second later, can both hope and confidence been blown away .. 
Imagine that you believe so much that it will always be there .. but when you face the truth, and life's dark roads .. you will realize that love can disappear in an instant .. Friends can betray you because of the love ..

Now I really never bring it up here .. never again ever in my life .. but it feels like it will run into me, where I am, where I will go ..  It is the worst thing that happened in my life and I can neither eat or act like an ordinary human being ..

I ask no one to feel sorry for me or so ..
Life goes on .. but I wonder how the hell life is to go forward for me ..

These things have made my choices in life hard .. Choosing the right people to trust .. It is an important part of life to be able to trust anyone ..
isn't it?
I know that not only the confidence of two people has fallen to the bottom, there are several of my surroundings, which will be affected right now .. and I am so sorry, but I will not be able to help it ..

It feels like a valedictory speech or something .. and maybe it is.,   you may know that I am gone for a while .. I am not myself .. and it will take time .. it will .. and I hope you are there for me, to support me .. whether I smile or cry ..
Now I just must finnish what I've started..

 It will be difficult ..